You know some days you wake up thinking too much or maybe reality is catching up on you, and all your fears of life, or from life takes over your day. All the questions, doubts comes up, “the of I am making the right decision?” “how am I going to have enough money?” bla bla…
Anyway today was one those days where I just got tired of telling myself everything is going to be alright and actually really wanted to speak to a friend because I knew I would get no judgement and she could hear me out. But my friend today didn’t answer, because of the New York London time difference it makes it hard to catch up with my London friends. I am sure she had a good reason for not answering today, but today I am feeling a little low.
I just not enjoying so much New York as I though I would. I am having so many questions I don’t know how to process all of them, and I don’t know where I am heading… I think I feeling a little lost and I hate that feeling.
I guess I feeling a bit lonely too, and for a while it’s the first time I have time, time to think about me, my life, what I want for myself. I always do think every new year about that, but this time I feel it’s more profound, maybe it is because I am now 30, and I am becoming more and more (old?) an adult I suppose and have to make serious decisions, and I am scared. I feel alone and scared, but I suppose we all do in life.
Not to say I am complaining, I am enjoying New York and it’s very expensive life, but glad to leave it behind, I feel it’s not for me. I was lured by it’s glamour and international appeal. But it’s much more a fun city to visit, living is totally a different thing, and feels very similar to London, but not quite the same too american for me.
I feel a bit like a an alien here. I feel I don’t belong, well I know I could but actually I don’t want to, I don’t want to make the effort, I feel I need to be else where. I want to be where it’s exciting and new for me. I am thinking seriously about Brazil, I am scared, I am actually really scared. But maybe that’s a good thing, life after all is about taking risks.
Sorry this post is a bit kind of a mid life crises but wanted to be real and share what’s going on with me, as I use this blog a bit like a diary. So there you have it, a confession on wednesday night with pink New York skies.